Hi OB, You nailed it Sorry that you are now having to lie in the cold bed you made, but it is what you made it! You have now learned the painful reality of how damage and destructive one-sided decisions about a couple can hurt the other person. Made the decision that worked best for you. You speak of the "deeper connection" between married people: Where was the connection when as you described dumped her. Just for a moment, give the lady her due for pulling herself together and choosing happiness.
Originally Posted by orionboxing. As painful as the divorce is for you, doesn't her cold attitude and the ease with which she moved on illustrate that she was not your kind of woman? You attached to her, which is valuable, but it sounds like you didn't choose so wisely who to attach to.
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The divorce was the right decision. Take your time to heal, accept your error of judgment, and find yourself a new woman more in line with your way of attaching. Originally Posted by Mint Sauce. Originally Posted by Mr. This affirmation of everything you felt about the issues in your marriage be enough. The unspoken question here is why you're having so much trouble moving on. Short marriage, no kids, ended badly - what's got you stuck in place where you're "not even close to being ready to see someone"? Seems like an unusual reaction Thanks for some of these responses.
This woman was convinced I was her soul mate. She treated me so well prior to our engagement Our relationship curve to is just hard to comprehend. When I asked for a divorce, this woman convulsively sobbed in our bedroom for two straight days before leaving to stay with her parents for a full week Through her personal turmoil, she never gave me the opportunity to talk with her. I asked on several occasions to talk things through. Who knows, maybe through those discussions something might have repaired a portion of our problems. This woman never apologized for her actions - she said a lot mean things to me that I'll never forget.
I was always very sad that she couldn't realize the hurtful things she was doing to me. Even when I carried the last box out of our house, I hugged this woman and kissed her on the head. I left a note in our mailbox for her stating "I'll love you, always. Why do men grieve so late after these things are over?
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Why is this so delayed? Even if she wasn't seeing someone, I would still be in the pain that I am now. Today was a very very rough day for me. I am not ashamed to admit that I found myself in a public park sobbing my eyes out after an afternoon run. Not long after, I contacted our former marriage counselor and scheduled an appointment. There is such an overwhelming desire to write a very long letter to her explaining how I feel.
Some sort of cathartic thing. I am just so confused Last edited by whichwayisup; 8th March at 2: Originally Posted by Mystery2Me. Originally Posted by whichwayisup. Sorry you're hurting but I think this is more of an ego hurt, that she moved on not a heart hurt, one that kills to you the core. Your marriage was 3 years, after the 1st year you say things weren't great.
You asked for D and bailed out on the marriage due to her depression and other issues, without going to marriage counseling to do all that you could to try to make it work, give it your best before throwing in the towel. Sorry if my words are taken harshly, not meant to be mean or rude, just an outsider looking in.
The thing is, I think this is more about you than it is about her, giving up too soon and her moving on. From the sounds of it, she isn't the nicest person to begin with so throw in her pain and hurt from you divorcing her or was it mutual?
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Hope you can work through this and move on with the help of your therapist. I will add, after reading your recent other post, your wife was devastated when you ended the marriage, so a part of her died.
Separated and staying in same house She is seeing someone else
This is why she's crueler to you now and shut you out. I'm sure too, much of who she is IS because of her mental illness. That doesn't go away ever, so hopefully she is on meds and getting herself counseling too. Originally Posted by TaraMaiden. You're not getting it: You need to drop the history. I realise the history is there - we all have one.
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But you cannot let the past be a justification or motive for the way you act today. It's an unhealthy attitude which keeps you stuck. As Carl Jung famously said: Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past" You can justify, clarify, explain and reason all you want: It doesn't change the fundamental fact that "That was 'Then'; this is 'Now'. You have to find a healthy mind-set for you to do the same.
You're holding onto something which no longer exists. There IS no 'eternal bond'. They don't define who you are. They're merely life experiences. But if you make them out to be sacrosanct and elevate them to a sacred level, as if they defined a momentous existence, then you are now experiencing the devastating shock of discovering that actually, they were simply episodes, and stages of your life together.
Well, that's done with now.
Maybe it's the after shock. But you have to come to terms with the fact that no matter in what terms you think of it, this is merely your perception. This is YOUR projection of your ideal. The damage you are experiencing, is one you are perpetuating yourself within your mind. I hope your appointments with your counsellor prove productive. Because you really do need to seriously consider altering your mind-set.
Clearly, it's not working for you, as it currently is - is it? Last edited by Gunny; 8th March at 9: Why would she not be cold to you now, after telling her you no longer wanted to be with her and than being left alone to "sob" for two days? Seriously, how can you expect anything less from her now and more importantly, why do you care? Either way, I hope you will be able to have quality time with your children. I can emphasize with you as I am in the same situation. We have been married for 27 yrs and separated for 1 month.
I have 19 and 21 year old sons at home. I know my wife has been dating and seeing this guy as it was an EA before the separation. She admits nothing but all the tell tale signs are there. I have since moved on and have a peace about it we understand why our relationship has gone however, I would rather she not date whilst we are still married and separated under the same roof.
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I am half tempted to boot her out the door as she has agreed she will go but will be very hard up to live. I feel a need to still provide for her so torn up between this and getting on with my life and kicking her out. Seen a counselor a few times and between the counselor and my friends, the transition has been so much easier. If she ever came around and asked to re-conciliate I personally would not be able to trust her again as some of her actions are definitely mid life crisis and elevated desires etc and she would probably go wondering again. My two sons think it is the best for me and say I am so much carefree cooler and joy to be with.
They want to stay with me and see and do very little with my wife now. They see her as the big bad ogre: Anyway, it is tough but hang in there as my first few weeks was a shocker. Above all make sure to speak to others constantly.